[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
You Might Also Like
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
there has never been a better use of this meme
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”