To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
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Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
wait.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.