I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
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Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
i did the math
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall