Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
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What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I wish this was real life…
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”