The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
You Might Also Like
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
happy valentine’s day to me
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.