The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
You Might Also Like
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Perfection.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?