Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
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doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
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My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
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Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute