The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
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Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Natty or not?
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.