I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
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my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Stop it! 😂
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect