Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
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Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”