An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
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if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Love is always patient and kind.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?