if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
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her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
your honor my client chooses dare
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
When can I start eating bats again.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.