I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
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My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Barbie gone wild
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT