I’m not wrong
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Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR