You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
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<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone