You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.

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Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.


i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either


If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.


Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.


*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”


Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors


Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.


its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads



~He’s eating Top Ramen!

911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water

~NO! He’s eating it like soup!

911: That’s fucked up



ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.