You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
You Might Also Like
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.