Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”

Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

Him: I missed you

Me: I missed you too

*we both reload our duelling pistols*

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.

Tonight’s parenting lesson:

If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.

I need a shower.

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

*swallows pride*

*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*

😉😝

My plans: 2020:

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]

me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down

Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.

No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead

Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense

Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)

If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.

How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em

All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”

With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.

So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.

Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*

(The next day)

Husband: Have you seen the manual for-

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.

You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.