@Theropologist

You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.

You Might Also Like

@jeffreyr77

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

@sheluvhec

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either

@noduffers

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.

@robdelaney

Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.

@budchaos

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”

@weinerdog4life

Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors

@traciebreaux

Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

@thegallowboob

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

@Book_Krazy

911?

~He’s eating Top Ramen!

911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water

~NO! He’s eating it like soup!

911: That’s fucked up

~I KNOW RIGHT

@BitterOldPunk

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.