Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫

me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is

her: ur welcome

me: it really means a lot

WORD: wanna see paste options?

ME: no it’s fine

WORD: but check out these paste options

ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it

WORD: 🙁

ME: fine there I looked now move the box

WORD: 🙂

ME: it’s still there

WORD: which was your favorite 😐

* asks plastic surgeon

” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.

Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.

[in the bedroom]

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: whoops my bad

HER: and in my eye

ME: sorry I can’t control it

HER: have you ever painted before

if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him

Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

judas: hey man want to come out to last supper

jesus: what?

judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.

Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all

Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.

Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.

I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.

My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”

Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues

Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*

The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.

Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…

After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy

Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?

I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..

That is the Aldi’s experience

I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.