
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle