He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
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[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
how long have you had this for?
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!