He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
You Might Also Like
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
*skinny dips into black hole
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Breaking news:
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.