Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
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Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.