Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
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[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?