[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
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tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
He wanted to make sure😂
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché