Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.