My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
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[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
When you “pspspsp” too hard
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
New tinder profile pic
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥