I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
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Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE