Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
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Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
mariah carrie
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
sir, my pâté if you please
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.