When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
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Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
so much to do
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed