My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
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Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.