My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
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I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*