I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
You Might Also Like
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.