i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
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im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Found my door mat
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.