Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
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Not my job 😂
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
🙁
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
ACED my prostate exam!
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁