He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
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I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Meowchelangelo
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”