Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
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The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
look at me when i’m typing to you
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.