Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
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Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
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I need to become a boxer. I mean, I hate fighting but love wearing shorts with superfluous fringe
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.