Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
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Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
she has a point
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.