Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
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hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
tinder is all about the long game
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit