I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
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Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
I enjoy a good short stor
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”