I enjoy a good short stor
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if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die