@theregoesrichie

I enjoy a good short stor

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@GrillinChillin9

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.

@nerdcula

Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”

@AlexKaan47

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

@TheAndrewNadeau

If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.

@mjkspeaks

[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex

@adamgreattweet

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

@pjayevans

(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers

@TweetsofCooper

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

@mommajessiec

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.

@TheRolo

Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.