teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
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JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Merica.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
This took me a second..
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
He-man has a Masters degree
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
lol
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.