teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
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Bros before Ohioes
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]