My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
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This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.