My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
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i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill