[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
You Might Also Like
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome