Lucky old June.
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“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
So creative 😂
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When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses