[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
You Might Also Like
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started