Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
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Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
2022 will be better than 2021
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
I want what they have
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.