Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
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I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.