Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
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Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Yup
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Green is just blue that someone peed in
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Um … Hot Wings please
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me