No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
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Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
The Joker was right
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
same bro
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’