The Joker was right
You Might Also Like
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.