[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
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After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books