*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
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I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.