I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
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I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
the battle rages on
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.