I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
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I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.