Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
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the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
The Struggle
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here