Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
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conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
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*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
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During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
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My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.