The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
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Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
LOL
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract