What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
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Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.